February 8th, 2010
Plot Synopsis
KICK ASS MOVES
This 10-part BBC documentary series concentrating on the more exotic, elaborate systems of far eastern martial arts has enjoyed continued cult success on BBC television and now on a very fine double DVD. A globetrotting adventure that travels straight to the source, filming in China, Japan, the Philippines and Taiwan, the programme examines, through interviews and experiments, the more diverse (and unbelievable) aspects of martial enlightenment, from extreme conditioning to the just plain weird. This gives the show a strange hybrid quality of part Jackass-style stunt show (complete with preliminary disclaimer) and part Derren Brown circus show with tricks and mind games, which manages to be both incredibly interesting, and entertaining.
Review
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Much of this is down to Birmingham-born Chris Crudelli, who presents the show in a mild Midlands accent, switching from English to Mandarin in many of the interview sections which portray the man as not only well informed, but also deeply skilled. Crudelli has been accused of a slight arrogance, particularly in the sections that examine his own personal skill and level of abilities. But for the uninitiated, for which the programme is made, a novice could expect no finer tutor than Crudelli and his engagingly humble persona. He absorbs himself into every situation with refreshing vigour, and a faux-naivety not too dissimilar from many modern presenter-led TV shows. When he meets people he clearly respects, we can only share in his adulation, best summarised in a later episode where he nervously fires questions at Hong Kong film legend Sammo Hung, who has clearly been an important figure in Crudelli’s life. Crudelli is both guide and expert, and one extremely tough bastard.
In the local segments of the show, he gets dockworkers and Welsh auctioneers to try and push him over, which not even a team of eight manage to do. He then breaks collections of enflamed tiles with his hands, and acts as miracle worker to air traffic controllers and Glaswegian hairdressers offering snippets of crucial self-defence and techniques on how to harness ‘chi’ energy (he often starts his brief defence lessons with, “you must get loads of trouble in here?” looking into the eyes of a petite blond market seller). Crudelli comes from aChinese kung fu background, and steers the show to his principal lines of teaching. Clearly a master himself, it’s great to see Crudelli go from superhuman man of the people, teaching skater punks how to punch properly, to then being thrown mercilessly around by an old aged pensioner in a silk suit moving very, very slowly. It’s endearing, but enough to make you slightly sceptical.
Yet Crudelli realises this. He’s as sceptical as we are when he tackles Japanese theories on telekinetic combat, and on Kiaiscreaming tactics that can disable opponents with just one incredible yelp. His best reaction comes when he meets an ancient dim mak master who has spent his life developing a ‘death touch’, locating pressure points and hitting people really hard. Crudelli is poked in the stomach, quite harmlessly at first, before reacting painfully to the blast in a separate area of his torso. In three swift slaps on his back, Crudelli announces that his pain has suddenly disappeared. Crudelli looks just as shocked as the rest of us. Spooky stuff.
Other sections are just plain weird. Like the techniques of Iron Penis Chi Gong, which is perhaps the best stunt ever captured on any TV show. After lifting a 150kg weight with his testicles, a master of Chinese conditioning manages to shift a four-wheel truck carrying a cargo of ten people all with the aid of a piece of rope attached to his penis. Mouth agog, you suddenly realise why you spend money on a TV license.
But aside from some pretty savage visual stunts, often involving sharp things being put in places where sharp things really shouldn’t go, there’s nothing particularly revealing about the show, particularly one which promises to ‘uncover’ the ‘secrets’ of the masters. What saves the show from being just a slice of expensive exploitation is the filmmaker’s emphasis on the more spiritual aspects of far eastern culture, which goes hand in hand with any study of the martial arts. In the Philippines, we meet particularly Herculean masters who strongly claim that the use of sacred amulets is the source of all their extraordinary power. So its useless, really, in revealing ‘secrets’ when these guys are clearly guided by a much stronger force. Using Crudelli’s explanation, these ‘deadly masters’ are just as concerned about sharing their secrets for fear of exposing themselves to hidden enemies, who may copy their techniques and defeat them. Logical, to an extent, but what happens when the generation’s pass, and there is no one left to maintain these incredible techniques?
Thankfully, Crudelli appears to have taken it upon himself to not only be the face of the BBC’s martial arts output, but also Britain’s best tour guide to the more mysterious aspects of far eastern culture and philosophy. There is a second series of the show, titled Kick Ass Miracles, which focuses more on the freak show elements, rather than solely martial artistry and its deadly practitioners. This first-series is a great DVD, particularly for novices who got into kung fu through Kill Bill and want to see the real deal in action. Well, this is about as close as you’re going to find.
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